1. Wrong Email Address
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the
sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot
down here.
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2. The Fast Surgeon
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
Sam and John were out cutting
wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic
bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said
the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four
hours when I have completed the operation." So Sam returned in four hours
and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the
pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
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3. Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
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4. A Medical Problem
An old woman
came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I
fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no
odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times.
What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs.
Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week."
Next week an
upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know
what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much,
but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said
the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on
your hearing!!!"
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5. A Lawyer's Question
A small town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?"
She responded,
"Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied,
"Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I
used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the
judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if
she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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6. America vs. Russia
The
Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One
day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing
side would have to lay down its arms.
The
Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the
world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and
gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed
steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When
the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It
was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because
they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
When
the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the
outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When
the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached
out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of
the Russian dog.
The
Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for
five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and
the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's
nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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7. The Chili Taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili
Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas: "Recently I was honored to be
selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili
# 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE
TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK:
Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the
worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili
# 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE
ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE
TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili
# 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE
ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE
TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and
got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili
# 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE
ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally,
the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to
dash over to see her.
Chili
# 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE
ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK:
My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili
# 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE
ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili
# 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last
moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress.
FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it.
I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili
# 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE
TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot
on top of himself.
FRANK:
--------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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Well, hehehe thankyou.
